Foolish
by PleasedAsPunch
Summary: Short piece from the Doctor's perspective.  I'll write more if there's a demand.


**A/N: Okay, I want to set a few parameters before I continue. First of all, this story is told in the first person through the Doctor's point of view. First person is really tricky, I think, to do well, especially with characters that aren't typically thrust into primary narrative perspective. But also especially for the Doctor because we usually see the stories through the very human filter off the companions. We never get inside that Time Lord brain of his. Secondly, this story takes place after the Doctor talks to Rose on Bad Wolf Bay via a hologram, but before he meets Donna. I've got nothing against Donna, in fact she's totally awesome, but for the sake of this story, he's not going to meet Donna. At least not yet. Depending on how you guys respond to this, ie, if you like it, I might write more.**

Everything, all of it, is my fault. And I could have prevented it; I could have saved her. She could be here on the TARDIS with me like it's supposed to be. I would take her hand and she would squeeze mine like she really meant it, and we would smile at each other, a mutual agreement and appreciation of the chaos that we caused and would cause in future, and we would run right back through blue open doors just before disaster would take us.

We would both laugh and she would breath heavily, bending over at her waist and holding onto her knees, quick to throw a toothy smile my way as I would throw some levers forward and press a few buttons but not really paying attention to any of it, because when she smiles like that, when she smiles _at me_ like that, everything else stops processing. Things inside this great brain stop and it's no wonder that we don't end up where we're supposed to.

But instead things feel very sad and my hand considerably less squeezed.

I should have let her stay. I should have held on tighter, universe be damned! I make the choices that everyone else is afraid to make. That's the thing about being the last of your kind: you don't have any affiliations like the connection of humanity to trick your logic into thinking you can save everyone and that nothing has to be sacrificed. Being the last of your kind makes you learn that the universe demands sacrifice and without it things will only perish until there is naught.

What is the universe compared to that lovely laugh she had? Or the way her eyes got all squinty when she was smiling, or the way she tucked her hair behind her ear when she was treading lightly with her words? Or the twinkle in her eye when she was putting me in my place?

She was a saucy minx, she was. Still is, too, I suppose. Just not here-with me-like it should be. Shiver and Shake.

I can still smell her in here. The smell of her shampoo that lingers in the air. The cake she tried and failed to bake last week. I should have saved Rose and let the universe take its chances. A better man would have done that, would have grabbed her hand and ran away, knowing a hopeless and dangerous situation when he saw it. A better man would have made Rose his main priority instead of taking responsibility for the existence of the universe-but instinct, recklessness, and arrogance made him try and save it. And save it he did, but at the worst cost.

It is the most painful thing to want so fiercely what you cannot have. I want to touch her hand and hold it. I want to drag my fingers over her cheeks and ghost my nose over hers. I want to breathe the same air she does, to be close enough that there isn't even an inch between us. I want to run my hand over the small of her back, lean my forehead against hers and just tell her.

I want to finish my sentence. These things should always be said first, you see. Never last. If you say them last then they are likely to be interrupted and never said at all. I am foolish and I am a coward. Rose would say that I'm just foolish, but I am a coward because I never told Rose what needed to be said the moment I knew it was true. She deserved it. But I kept it from her because I hoped, foolishly, that it would go away. Surely ignoring it would make me forget soon enough. But the last Time Lord in the universe turned out to be the universe's greatest fool.

Rose, even though it's too late, this is what I wanted to tell you.

Rose Tyler, I love you.

**Please review!**


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